Feminine Mystique Mistake
I heard an interview yesterday about a new book that's tackling some of the issues in Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique.
Great. Let me tell you, we women still have issues.
I agree that many of the issues are different from those felt by Friedan and her contemporaries nearly 50 years ago. But for some reason, we women don't seem capable of true contentment. As one phone caller said, "My mother told me to live my life before I get married and have a family." Her point was that once she started down married-with-children road, she as an individual ceased to exist.
That's so wrong.
My husband's point was that no man wants to get married and discover he's destroyed the life of the woman he loves. I can say the same in reverse.
And it's not that our lives are destroyed. They're...more complicated. Women feel the need to be completely involved as mothers but also have identities separate from our families. Many women are able to carry this load with grace and ease. Others struggle to find a balance.
I think that's the key: balance. No person can't be everything to everyone all the time. There have been many, many articles written about how to take time for oneself; by refreshing that inner core, one is much more able to be there for loved ones. While that makes sense, it also goes to show that we - as women - need to have a frank discussion about what it means to be a wife, a mother and an individual.
Note I didn't say professional. Not all women want to work (nor do all men). And you know what, that's great - as long as you can afford to do so. Perhaps if we assessed our individual goals, we'd not let the "prevailing wisdom" of the day make us feel less good about our choices.
We aren't going to be happy all the time. No one is. But we can at last be content with our decisions. After all, regrets really aren't useful. Or healthy.
Great. Let me tell you, we women still have issues.
I agree that many of the issues are different from those felt by Friedan and her contemporaries nearly 50 years ago. But for some reason, we women don't seem capable of true contentment. As one phone caller said, "My mother told me to live my life before I get married and have a family." Her point was that once she started down married-with-children road, she as an individual ceased to exist.
That's so wrong.
My husband's point was that no man wants to get married and discover he's destroyed the life of the woman he loves. I can say the same in reverse.
And it's not that our lives are destroyed. They're...more complicated. Women feel the need to be completely involved as mothers but also have identities separate from our families. Many women are able to carry this load with grace and ease. Others struggle to find a balance.
I think that's the key: balance. No person can't be everything to everyone all the time. There have been many, many articles written about how to take time for oneself; by refreshing that inner core, one is much more able to be there for loved ones. While that makes sense, it also goes to show that we - as women - need to have a frank discussion about what it means to be a wife, a mother and an individual.
Note I didn't say professional. Not all women want to work (nor do all men). And you know what, that's great - as long as you can afford to do so. Perhaps if we assessed our individual goals, we'd not let the "prevailing wisdom" of the day make us feel less good about our choices.
We aren't going to be happy all the time. No one is. But we can at last be content with our decisions. After all, regrets really aren't useful. Or healthy.
As a man, I sincerely appreciate your husband’s comment (as well as your reply) as it is absolutely true that this is the “concept” into which two people enter a marriage. I have always tried to help my wife as much as possible by cooking dinner at least 3 to 4 times per week, cleaning the house (including the “nasty” work such as scrubbing toilets), etc. The best part is, whenever she has someone over and they comment about how nice the flowerbeds look or how much they like the method in which a particular set of photos have been hung, my lovely wife will always “step up” and give me the credit as I’m usually the one who does these things. As a Cancerian, my “home” is my life, so my wife and I have always had an “odd” marriage in that while she is watching football, I’ll be in the kitchen preparing Sunday dinner! I have absolutely no problem with this arrangement in that, although I love football, I know that my team will either win or lose and there is nothing I may do about it. Consequently, I would rather do something useful.
That is not to say that my wife is lounging on the sofa drinking beers! Nothing could be further from the truth as, since she is a kindergarten teacher, she is usually “neck deep” in preparing materials for the upcoming week. Therefore, I feel honored to be able to help her out in this way as it allows her to “relax” a bit and also achieve a sense of accomplishment as she is able to go to bed on Sunday night knowing that she is prepared for the week.
Lastly, my wife and I would both agree that one can’t be happy all the time! My advice to young people who are “freaking out” about their marriage plans is to RELAX as your wedding is hopefully one of the most fun days you’ll ever experience in that both of you will be the center of attention and you’ll feel as if you’re part of the Royal Family! It is the marriage which requires constant attention to ensure you remain connected as a couple and to simply help each other as much as possible. That is why my wife and I try to have a “date night” at least once a month in which we go out for a meal and try to take in a movie. It helps us reconnect as it provides the opportunity for each of us to express our frustrations of the week which each of us are often able to “put into perspective” for the other!
However, as I noted, you will not be happy all of the time for various reasons. Therefore, that is why I enjoyed your “summary” to the effect of being content with our decisions. For example, in the instance I am doing yard work, I may inadvertently knock over the bird bath and watch it smash into a million pieces. However, in the “long run”, although I may have “lost” a bird bath, the other work I accomplished was for the common good. Consequently, you have to take solace in the positive aspects which occurred as a result of your endeavor and simply forget those aspects which didn’t work out so well. Thanks for the nice post!
Reply to this